Write

Articles about craft.

Writing Styles

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Last night I found myself taking several tweets to explain why I write like I do. That told me I had stumbled onto a good blog topic, so here goes. First, let me say that whatever your style, if it works for you, it’s right for you. My purpose is simply to explain what I do.

There are generally two types of writers:

  • Seat of their Pants Writers
  • Outliners

Seat of their Pants Writers

These are the people who follow their muse. They believe that were they to do any kind of pre-writing organizing, they might stultify their creativity. They are also folks who must then do a lot of rewriting to get it right. For me, that’s a lot of work. Being the lazy person I am, I don’t find it very attractive for my purposes.

Outliners

These are those who like to work with a logical framework right out of the starting gate. I am generally an outliner, as you can probably tell from my past articles which start out with a list of bullets and then expand those into points I want to make, such as I’m doing here. It is definitely possible to organize your thoughts and then use the muse to fill out what you’re trying to say so both approaches get served. That would be me.

Why I do what I do

During my twenty-five years time in and with the military, I wrote a lot of messages, a lot of intelligence reports, and as a tester and evaluator of new military systems and concepts, a lot of highly technical plans and reports which were of the scope of doctoral dissertations. This type of bureaucratic writing demands a high degree of organization and its readers may have to make decisions that affect many lives or millions of dollars. (What you are now is what you were when.) On the other hand, it is possible to adjust writing styles. When I began writing nonfiction how-to books, I knew I had to communicate with a much broader, more informal audience. The highest compliment I have ever received about that transition came from a fan in the 1990s: “Reading one of Bob Spear’s books is like sitting down with him in my living room in front of my fireplace and having a conversation.” I always keep that in mind when I write fiction. I’m not interested in or have pretensions for writing the great American literary novel. Instead, I want to tell a story that captivates and entertains. I was a music/business major, not a literature/English major.

The Importance of Storytelling to Me

My first six years of my life were spent on a self-sufficient Quaker farm in North Central Indiana. I had no playmates, brothers, or sisters living within miles. My grandmother would tell me oral stories of our family; my mother would read to me; and I would spend hours in front of our old Motorola radio listening to classic radio theater (this was the late 40s and early 50s, so no TV yet for us). Storytelling became so important to me as a form of entertainment, that I began telling stories out loud to myself. I would always be the hero ,and I would free form my way through never-ending stories (…and then…and then…and then). I told my first story to an adult at the age of four when I tried to outdo a tall tale told by our hired hand. My grandma was listening inside at the window and just about fell over she was laughing so hard. The hired hand just stood there speechless with his mouth wide open as I told him about being chased by wild Indiana, swimming to England and back, and riding to Indiana and home.

Remembering those years led me to become a professional storyteller in 1997. I quickly became a performance resource on the juried Kansas Arts Commission Touring Roster. I found myself performing at schools and communities all over the state. This is why the story is everything to me when I write fiction.

A Recent Example of My Process

It is time to write my 5th mystery, but I needed to write it more as a thriller. This is my approach. First, I take a look a look at my character database, my ‘Bible,’ and determine how my characters need to grow or change in both good and bad ways. I also give a thought to any new characters which are needed. So, I guess you could say the interaction of my characters among themselves and with outside events, natural or man-made, is the basis for my stories. After I play with the characters a little, I begin laying out plot points in some kind of logical time line that allows for those characters to continue to develop. Each plot point is written in a format of one to several sentences. These serve as memory ticklers as I write. Each plot point becomes a chapter. For this latest book, I’ve come up with a structure initially built upon 45 chapters. I lay out my chapter heads and include my plot points just under them so I can glance up to them to make sure I’m not forgetting any key elements.

Now, I allow my muse to kick in again (the first times were when I developed my characters and my plot points). I begin writing, now filling in settings, thoughts, motivations, dialogs, etc. This approach eliminates the need for extensive rewrites. It becomes much easier to quit and return to my writing without losing my thoughts as to what I’m doing where. That’s really important because I write in my bookstore, an environment where my work gets interrupted often by customers or my wife needing help.

In other words, I have developed a process that works for me. It might not work well for you at all, but it may give you an idea or two to try. Until my next post, happy writing!

This is a cross-posting from Bob Spear‘s Book Trends Blog.

How To Kill A Writing Career

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This post, from Jason Sanford, originally appeared on his site on 1/10/10 and is reprinted here in its entirety with his permission.

This afternoon while slaving away on the novel which will rocket me to the heights of literary superstardom — maybe even to the level of Paris Hilton superstardom — insight struck. I realized I was working way too hard at this writing gig. Instead of trying to succeed through hard work, talent, and dedication, there was a much better way to reach my fictional goals.

I simply needed to thin the writing herd.

Think about it. There are thousands of fiction writers and wanna-be authors in the world. As we all know, when one species overpopulates an ecosystem all creatures are at risk of starvation until the population stabilizes. So why not knock off the competition? This way the survivors — and their fiction — will naturally float to the top of an empty literary world.

With that in mind, here are some suggestions on how to destroy a writing career. Simply retitle these suggestions as positive advice — such as "What every successful writer knows!" — and send them to both budding writers and established pros. Budding writers won’t realize the success you refer to is your own until AFTER their buds have been nipped, a la Barney Fife, while established pros are so cocky they won’t recognize what’s happening until they’re knocking on heaven’s remainder bin.

So do your part, and dump a little weed killer in the garden of literary delights by passing this "advice" to other fiction writers.

How to kill a writing career
Remember: Before sending this to a writer, retitle it in a positive way, such as "10 sure-fire ways to publishing success" or "What publishing insiders don’t want you to know."

  1. Heed the immortal writing advice of Allen Ginsberg: ”First thought, best thought." Revisions and rewriting should be left to those without the talent to be writers in the first place.
     
  2. Proper spelling and grammar are traps to keep authors down. Dare to reach greatness by following your own linguistic path.
     
  3. Only writers lacking vision worship coherent plots. So every time you sit down to write, mutter this simple chant: "James Joyce’s Ulysses is a great novel. James Joyce’s Ulysses is a great novel."
     
  4. Write only what is popular and trendy. After all, if drunk and horny vampire biker chicks are the hot thing this year, imagine how much hotter they’ll be when your book comes out three years from now.
     
  5. Embrace adjectives. If one adjective is descriptive, why not five or six in a row?
     
  6. Waste the readers’ time. After all, if readers want to drink from the fountain of your literary greatness, it’s up to them to pucker up and suck.
     
  7. Write only when the muse moves you. Only bad writers force themselves to write every day. You answer only to your muse. And don’t forget — the muse loves to drink! Lots and lots of drink!
     
  8. Guidelines are for writers afraid to push the boundaries. Not only defy every guideline you encounter, when submitting tell the editors you don’t accept their limited ideas on what fiction they should publish. Be sure to also address submissions to "Dear Editor" to show these little people their proper place in the literary supernova that is you.
     
  9. Continually act neurotic, paranoid, angry, annoyed, psychotic, or better yet, all of those at once. And remember, you can’t be a great writer unless you are addicted to something obscure and weird. (Like wow man, that dried gnat excrement is nature’s only truly righteous high!")
     
  10. Flame wars are your friend. If you don’t post a nasty repartee somewhere on the web at least once a day, how will you succeed as a writer? And be sure to engage in flame wars with other writers, editors, and literary agents. Nothing says you’ve arrived on the literary scene like a flame war!

 

 

 

Jason Sanford co-founded the literary journal storySouth, through which he runs the annual Million Writers Award for best online fiction. He won the 2008 Interzone Readers’ Poll for one of his stories, and has also been published in Year’s Best SF 14, Interzone, Analog, Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show, The Mississippi Review, Diagram, Pindeldyboz, and other places. He’s published critical essays and book reviews in places like The New York Review of Science Fiction, The Pedestal Magazine, and The Fix Short Fiction Review.

Congratulations: You Get To Be The Bigger Person Now

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If you’re working your author platform effectively, you’re very active online. You’re doing any or all of the following: posting to your blog, possibly posting to others’ blogs, tweeting, posting updates on Facebook or MySpace or LinkedIn, participating in online discussion groups and comment threads, posting or commenting on YouTube book trailers, and maybe even podcasting. Your goal is to open a dialogue with readers and your peers, and the better your author platform, the more feedback and discussion you will generate. Much of the feedback and discussion will be enjoyable and thought-provoking, a kind of online ‘salon’. The rest of it, not so much.

An awful lot of people will have strongly held opinions with which you disagree, or which are ill-informed, or which are obviously being shared only for the sake of getting a rise out of you or casting aspersions on you or your work. But however much you may want to angrily tear into this latter group anytime they darken your virtual doorstep, however tempting it may be to respond with a biting and clever remark, you must never do it. Answering the uncouth and trollish in kind requires you to become uncouth and trollish, which can quickly escalate beyond your control and undermine all the goodwill you’ve built up to date with your community of readers and peers, and quickly turn off any newcomers to your tribe.
 
As an author, you’ll find there are two primary arenas in which you may feel it’s necessary to rain invective down upon a perceived adversary: following a bad review, or following an ill-informed or insulting post to, or about, you. First, let’s look at what happens when authors respond to negative reviews…negatively.
 
Consider this case of commercially- and critically-successful novelist Alice Hoffman, who was so outraged by a negative review (some have called it merely lukewarm) from author Roberta Silman in the Boston Globe that Hoffman ended up flaming Silman all over Twitter. Hoffman eventually went so far as to provide Silman’s phone number to her fans and request that they call Silman to defend Hoffman. It wasn’t long before the mainstream press was all over this, and not much longer before an embarrassed Hoffman began making public apologies.
Then there’s author Alain de Botton, who responded to a negative review on Caleb Crain’s blog with a number of posts that eventually escalated to the point where Botton was saying things like, “I will hate you till the day I die and wish you nothing but ill will in every career move you make.” There’s a terrific post about the incident on Ed Rants in which de Botton responds to questions about the incident and provides an essay as part of his response as well.
 
Next, take a gander at the controversy more recently sparked by author Candace Sams on Amazon. When reader-reviewer LB Taylor posted a one-star review of Sam’s novel Electra Galaxy’s Mr Interstellar Feller, Sams responded with a series of angry responses, initially under an alias but eventually under her own name as well. When the dust had settled and the press and blogs were finished with her Sams went back and deleted all of her posts in the Amazon thread, but it was too late by then because plenty of sites and blogs (such as Babbling About Books) had already copied and re-published the worst and most disturbing of them online.
 
Prior to the Sams dustup, perhaps the best-known author outburst came from Anne Rice in 2004, also on Amazon, in response to multiple negative reviews of her novel, Blood Canticle. In a 1200-word diatribe, among other things, Rice responded to reader-critics by saying, “Your stupid, arrogant assumptions about me and what I am doing are slander…You have used the site as if it were a public urinal to publish falsehood and lies." Her entire response is reprinted on the encyclopedia dramatica site, where the term “rice out” is defined as, “To make a spectacle of oneself in response to literary criticism by insisting that one’s creative work is superior in all aspects.”
 
Now, compare these authorial meltdowns to the actions of Carla Cassidy, who posted a wry and clever rebuttal to a negative review on the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books site. SBTB’s review featured a sarcastic, snarky list of 26 reasons why Cassidy’s novel Pregnesia is the best book in the history of pregnant amnesiac romance books. Cassidy responded with her own list of 10 reasons why she loves the SBTB review, as detailed on the Saturday Writers site. According to Saturday Writers, “Carla responded with grace and humor that exactly matched the tone of the review. I don’t think I could respond so well to a negative review. I’m in awe of her.”
If you can’t craft a humorous and/or graceful response to a negative review—and the many examples of non-humorous, non-graceful responses from seasoned authors given in this post are proof enough that you can’t trust your own judgment on this—, then it’s best just to keep your mouth (and keyboard) shut entirely on such matters. As Neil Gaiman has said on his blog, “some things are better written in anger and deleted in the morning.”
 
As for coping with stuff and nonsense from respondents to articles or blog posts you’ve written, or from people who are more or less just out to make you look bad, you should simply ignore such commentary when it’s clearly labeled as opinion but it may sometimes be necessary to correct inaccurate factual information posted about you or your work. If you choose to do so you must tread with the utmost care, lest a new idiom for author freak-outs turns up in common usage with your name attached to it. I don’t think I’ve yet seen a more shining example of calm, professional, classy damage control than that of Harlequin Digital Director Malle Valik in response to the firestorm of controversy that followed Harlequin’s announcement of its partnership with Author Solutions, Inc.
 
First, Malle responded personally to the many charges leveled against the partnership on Smart Bitches, Trashy Books (scroll down through the comments thread to Malle’s first comment, posted on 11/18/09 at 6:48am). Next, she graciously answered some specific questions about the deal on Dear Author, then came back to respond to some very pointed and angry remarks in the comments thread following that interview. In the face of a plethora of insults and accusations, Malle kept her cool, kept a positive attitude, and remained professional. She kept the discussion on-point, and never allowed herself to stoop to the mud-slinging tone employed by many of the attackers.
 
Malle Valik is to be commended for her exemplary performance in this matter, and to be emulated by every one of us anytime we find ourselves in the unenviable shoes she was wearing last November. To do so, you must first acknowledge that as a writer, you are in the free speech business. It is your duty (and should be your honor) to defend the right of anyone to voice any opinion on any subject, however much you may disagree with that opinion or even find it offensive. While I freely acknowledge that very often, the people who put you in a mind to take the low road are not honestly attempting to engage you in a fair debate, it will do you no good to respond to them in kind. Correct factual errors if you must, but only if you’re certain you’re capable of Valikian conduct in the matter. Take action on libelous statements about you or your work if you feel they have the potential to do significant damage to your earnings or reputation, but do so in private, offline. Otherwise, your safest bet is to ignore the noise; it’s not truly worthy of your attention, anyway.

This is a cross-posting from April L. Hamilton‘s Indie Author blog.

Alien Languages: How Foreign Would They Really Be?

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This post, from Juliette Wade, originally appeared on her TalkToYoUniverse blog on 1/10/10.

This post was requested by CWJ, my friend from the forum over at Analog – thanks so much for the question, CWJ! It also strikes me that this may be a timely topic for people who are considering the Na’vi language that was used in Avatar.

CWJ asked: 

Juliette, I’d like to hear more about (constructing) non-human languages. In particular, if Chomsky’s idea of universal innate grammars is correct, does that mean there are only certain avenues down which humans can go, which might be different from aliens? That is, maybe there are some concepts or constructs that would be difficult for humans to truly conceptualize. Or the other way around. In short, I am interested in the possibility that communication may be very difficult.

This is a complex question, so I’ll take it a bit at a time.

First, the Chomsky question. Chomsky proposed the idea that there was some basic sense of grammar universal to all humans, that was passed on as an instinct.

Now, human languages are very diverse. The most thorough article I’ve seen on this topic was recently published in the Economist, and you can check it out here.

In fact, it’s hard to say how much of human language is innate and how much is learned. Humans are oriented towards language from birth or even earlier; this is well known, as newborn infants prefer to listen to language sounds over non-language sounds, and their mother’s native language over other languages (studies measured strength of sucking response!). They also go through a number of language development stages, like early babbling, even if they don’t have any auditory language input (say, with non-hearing babies). Non-hearing babies are also known to babble with their fingers. People have also looked at pidgin languages, which tend to take on grammatical structure – and very similar grammar structure – when they’re passed on to the second generation, and used this as evidence for a more extensive innate language faculty.
 


Read the rest of the post on Juliette Wade‘s TalkToYoUniverse blog.

Simple Math: Fewer Editors = More Mistakes

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This post, from Craig Lancaster, originally appeared on his blog on 1/19/10 and is reprinted here in its entirety with his permission.

Here’s an interesting story from the Washington Post. It seems that more and more simple errors are sneaking into print, and readers are noticing. It’s not hard to figure out why. The story notes that the newspaper’s stable of copy editors has been whittled from 75 to 43 in the past few years, even as the duties beyond pure copy-editing have increased.

In my day (er, night) job — you know, the one that pays the preponderance of my bills — I work as a newspaper copy editor. I’ve long considered it a sound policy not to discuss one’s employer on a personal blog, and I’m not about to abandon that wise course now. Instead, I’d like to discuss editing in the big picture, across all forms of publishing. I guarantee you, what’s happening at the Washington Post is not an isolated case.

When I originally self-published my first novel nearly a year ago, I was — outside of my wife — the only person who had laid eyes on the words, and I’m afraid that deficiency was easy to spot. When the first book landed in my hands, I immediately spotted dozens of errors — dropped words, backward quote marks, dangling modifiers, etc. Because the book was print-on-demand, I was able to upload a new interior file and fix those. Then came the new book and a new round of errors. I must have done this five or six times.

By the time I turned the manuscript over to Riverbend Publishing for the book’s re-emergence as 600 Hours of Edward, I had read it innumerable times and rooted out every possible error, or so I thought. But the publisher found a few, and then I found a few more in the proofing stage, and finally we had a completed book.

The first time I opened it, I found another error.

Do you see what I’m getting at? It’s damned hard to come up with a pristine manuscript. Harder still when editors are removed from the equation.

Unfortunately, that’s what is happening across a broad swath of the publishing world. Houses, even the biggest ones, have cut deeply into their editing ranks, for reasons of expedience and expense. Maxwell Perkins, were he alive today, would probably be an acquisition editor, focused chiefly on getting the books into the publishing house and not so much on honing them into word-perfect shape. Many of the traditional editing chores now fall to literary agents, and while they’re often fully capable of doing that work, they already other vital and time-consuming chores, such as persuading the acquisition editors to bring the work aboard. So, then, the onus falls to the writer to get it right in the first place, and while there are many ways in which we can improve our craft and our self-editing, we can’t possibly give ourselves the same benefit we would get from an intensive edit by a professional.

So how do we bridge the gap? A few ideas:

1. Be damned good in the first place.

2. Failing No. 1, become a better self-editor. Read well-edited material and take note of what it does well (precise word choice, economy, structure, etc.). Take advantage of the myriad (and free) editing tips that can be mined on the Web. Our friends at The Blood-Red Pencil regularly offer excellent editing advice.

3. Join a writing group. Even if your colleagues can’t offer detailed copy editing, they can give you big-picture reactions to your stories and essays.

4. Trade sweat equity with a buddy. He reads and edits your stuff. You read and edit his.

5. If you can afford it and think you’ll benefit from it, engage the services of a professional editor. I’m happy to recommend one: My friend Leon Unruh at Birchbark Press does unfailingly excellent work at a competitive price.

We owe it to readers to give them the best experience we can with our books. That’s our bond: In exchange for their money and their time, we offer the best story we could write, with as few flaws as possible.

 

Craig Lancaster is the author of 600 Hours of Edward.

 

30 Days to a Stronger Novel

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This post, from Darcy Pattison, originally appeared on her website and is reprinted here in its entirety with her permission.

Write a Stronger Novel

You’re writing a novel, a fictional story, that runs a rather long length. What’s the difference between a novel manuscript that sells and one that doesn’t? Details.

[Publetariat Editor’s Note: indie authors, feel free to substitute the word "sings" for "sells" in the above sentence.]

Here are 30 fast and easy Novel Revision tips:

30 ONE-MINUTE Tips for strengthening your novel

Titles
Subtitles
Chapter Divisions
Character Names
Stronger Settings
Stronger Setting Details
Characters That Count
Take Your Character’s Pulse
Connecting Emotional and Narrative Arcs
Unique Character Dialogue
Character Description
Begin at the Beginning
Scene Cuts
Take a Break
Power Abs for Novels
Angel Moments in Your Novel
Powerful Endings
Tie Up Loose Ends
Find Your Theme
Theme Affects Setting
Theme Affects Characters and Actions
Choosing Subplots
Knitting Subplots Together
Feedback
Stay the Course
Revise Again
The End
The New Beginning

MORE tips on Stronger Novels

 

Darcy Pattison, an author of both picture books and novels, has been published in eight languages. Her books have been recognized for excellence by starred reviews and other awards. As a writing teacher, Darcy is in demand nationwide to teach her Novel Revision Retreat which is designed to help intermediate to advanced writers break through to publication. The workbook for the retreat, Novel Metamorphosis: Uncommon Ways to Revise (Mims House), is available on Amazon.com. For information on hosting a retreat in your area, see
http://www.darcypattison.com/speaking/.

 

The Past and Future of Pulp Fiction

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In the 1850’s, as so many literary trends have, pulp fiction began in New York. It was an outgrowth of the many magazine and newspaper empires that bragged of readerships west to the frontier and east to the European continent. The best of these was a publication called The New York Ledger. Its owner, publisher, and editor was a flamboyant marketer by the name of Robert Bonner. He firmly believed in giving his readership what they wanted (imagine that). What they wanted was “escape.”

He gave them that in the form of serialized stories filled with excitement and adventure in far-away places. These were written by some of the biggest named writers of the era—Harriet Beecher Stowe and Charles Dickens for example.

As soon as Bonner’s competitors saw the success of this model, they of course began to copy it. Soon serialized stories were everywhere. In the 1860, a natural follow-on to these gave rise as the Dime Novel. Irwin Beadle & Company advertised them as a dollar book sold for a dime. The frontier, the Civil War, and increased literacy rates among the young provided plenty of material and a ready readership of these highly romanticized novels.

As a historical performer of the historical character Buffalo Bill Cody, I learned that Ned Buntline turned Cody’s real life and imagined episodes of frontier derring-do into quite the money mill of dime novels. So much so, that Buntline recruited Cody and some of his Indian Scout friends to act in a stage production based on these dime novels to great success and the beginning of Buffalo Bill’s incredible career as a showman.

Dime novels sold at news stands and dry-goods stores. Their primary market segments were young blue-collar workers and juveniles. At their height, there were fourteen publishers who were cranking these easy to read, adventurous, and romantic low-cost books. The run was a long one—fifty years. It took a major postal rate increase and silent films to put an end to them. Long before it ended, however, an ex-telegraph operator, Frank Andrew Munsey, stepped up in 1882 to suggest a unique philosophy.

Departing from the magazine norm of printing on slick, glossy paper, Munsey stated, “The story is more important than the paper it’s printed on.” Thus began pulp paper magazines with the introduction of Munsey’s weekly, The Argosy. Continuing the theme of entertainment first, last, and always, other pulp magazines soon sprang up. Several began to specialize in developing genres such as mysteries, sci-fi, hard-boiled detective stories, western, adventures, and romance. The big difference was their target market segment—adults. After all, these grownups had been raised on serials and dime novels. Why not provide them more of the same, although with somewhat more sophisticated fare? This trend lasted even longer than the dime novels—seventy years. At its zenith, over thirty million American read the pulps monthly. That’s some major numbers.

Which brings us up to today. Remember the roots of commercial fiction was to provide easy to read escapes. With the stresses of modern society, the stage is set for a resurgence of similar literature. My wife, Barbara (the walking eidetic memory of where all our bookstore books are located), first noticed an emerging trend last summer. More adults were purchasing Young Adult books to read for themselves. She believes that the large YA books such as the Harry Potter series and Eragon exposed many adults to the excitement contained in books targeted for a much younger audience. They soon realized they could find much more of the same in much shorter books so popular with pre-teens and teens. They were exciting. They were written in a manner to keep the reader’s attention focused and titillated. Chapters were short—1-3 pages. Each chapter ending created a need to learn what happens next. The language was relatively simple and yet was entertaining. Bingo!!! Instant escapism for people with little time on their hands or for people who didn’t want a challenging read, just an entertaining one.

Here lies a potentially huge trend—a modern day equivalent of the dime novel and pulp fiction. We’re already seeing it with the sudden adult interest in teen themes such as vampires mixed with romance. Lines between genres and markets are becoming blurred. I’m not saying this direction will replace all adult writing. What I am suggesting is that this has the potential to become a major money-making trend. Time will tell, but it’s worth considering. A few major authors have been catching on to it as the first have entered the YA field and then began using some of the YA techniques in their adult writing—Patterson for one. Dan Brown and James Rollins for others. The Scientologists have revived a number of L. Ron Hubbard’s pulp fiction stories as pulp books and cheap audio book versions. I have also stumbled across a number of pulp afficiandos discussing the golden age of the pulps and attempting to write them as well on the internet.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.


This is a cross-posting from Bob Spear‘s Book Trends Blog.

Platform Resolutions For Writers 2010

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This post, from Christina Katz, originally appeared on her blog on 1/4/10, and is reprinted here in its entirety with her permission.

Before writers establish an author platform, they typically establish a writer platform. Over the past decade, thousands of writers have parlayed established influence into traditional book deals. Landing a traditional book deal is still an effective way to exponentially increase your credibility and visibility.

Your “platform” refers to what you do in the world with your professional expertise that makes you visible and influential in the world. Having friends on Facebook or followers on Twitter is not your platform, unless the majority of those people know who you are, what you do, and are enthusiastic about your work.

I thought I would offer some advice about how to slowly and steadily establish a lasting platform. You may note the lack of fanaticism in this advice and the emphasis on enduring success instead. I’m a mother and a wife, a freelancer, a speaker, a teacher, and a blogger, so aiming for balance is the only way I can afford to work if I plan on sticking around for the long haul.

This advice has worked consistently for my students over the past several years. I think you will find that a grounded, step-by-step approach works just as well for you if you choose to follow it:

1. Develop a platform topic that you love and can work on tirelessly for the next few years. Your passion of the moment should come in second to the topic you could delve into deeply for a good, long time. Prior professional education and a depth of personal experience are going to be a boon to your platform if you have an eye on a future book deal.

2. Hang back from establishing a blog on your topic until you have cultivated a wealth of content and experience working with others on specialty-related activities that lend credibility and trust to your name. Others will tell you to start blogging immediately, but don’t, if you want to be efficient with your time and money.

3. Instead, gain authority by seeking publication in established, highly visible publications both in print and online that serve your target audience. Avoid the kind of publishing that anyone can accomplish, like posting on article sites, and work on your professional communication skills instead. By all means, avoid the content mills offering writers slave wages with the promise of future earnings.

4. Don’t begin any kind of marketing campaign for any product or service offerings until you have established yourself as a go-to person on your topic, again saving you time and money. Before you look at ways to serve others directly, channel your expertise into the best service methods possible based on your strengths and weaknesses. This is a meaty topic that is covered in-depth in my book, Get Known Before the Book Deal, Use Your Personal Strengths to Grow an Author Platform (Writer’s Digest Books 2008).

5. Then, develop a product or service that can become one of several multiple income streams over time that will support your goal of becoming a published author. For example, teaching classes over the years has allowed me to re-invest more of the money I earn from writing books back into book marketing. Make sure any offerings you produce are released conscientiously and are integrated into the professional writing you already do. Otherwise, you will seem like you are all over the place and just trying to score a buck.

6. Don’t expect your platform to support you financially for at least one or two years, as you micro-invest in it, re-invest in it as it grows, and expand your visibility.

7. Once you have a professional publication track record in your niche topic, then it’s time to hang your online shingle. I’ve seen this accomplished in as little as six months by exceptionally focused students. Take a portion of the money you’ve earned writing and invest it in a professional quality online presence.

8. A low-cost way to do this is to purchase your name as a URL and use a hosting site like GoDaddy.com to host a WordPress.org blog. I use the Thesis Theme, which you can see in action at my blog. In this way, a blog can also serve as your website where you post your published clips, offerings and bio. If you don’t have a ton of money to invest in the look of your site, you can always pay a designer later.

9. Delay partnering with others on joint ventures until you have a clear idea of your own strengths and weaknesses in and around your topic. And when you do partner with others be extremely discriminating. Make sure the partnership is going to be win-win-win for everyone involved.

10. Start an e-mail newsletter or e-zine with those who are most interested in your topic. Build your list by invitation and then grow it into a permission-based following over time. Create an expected, ongoing dialogue that is mutually beneficial to everyone involved and your list will grow.

11. Now you are ready to start blogging. And yes, I mean while you continue to do all the things we’ve already discussed. Be sure to zoom-focus your blog on what you have to add to the conversation that is already going on about your topic. Don’t just share information; make an impact. Make your blog a go-to, up-to-date resource for your audience.

12. Partner selectively with others who serve the same general audience that you do with integrity and humility. Spend time getting to know folks before you decide to partner with them. You can’t afford to taint the reputation you have worked so hard to establish by partnering with just anyone.

13. Now that you have an established niche and audience, definitely participate in social networking. I like Twitter, Facebook, and Linked In because they all offer something unique. The best way to learn is to jump in, spend an hour online each week until you are up and running. Follow the instructions for getting started provided by social media expert Meryl K. Evans.

This start-up plan for a writer platform will eventually blossom into an author platform. From start to finish, implementing a solid platform following this advice should take you about a year. By the end of that year, you will have established yourself as a serious contender in both professional and online circles, without killing yourself for some huckster’s promise of overnight success.

Have a plan. Leave a legacy in words, connections and professional influence. If you are consistent, by the time the year is done, you will have made effective use of your time and money in 2010.  I wish you the best of luck in your platform-building efforts!

 

Christina Katz is the author of Get Known Before the Book Deal, Use Your Personal Strengths to Grow an Author Platform and Writer Mama, How to Raise a Writing Career Alongside Your Kids for Writer’s Digest Books. She has written hundreds of articles for national, regional, and online publications, presents at literary and publishing events around the country, and is a monthly columnist for the Willamette Writer. Katz publishes a weekly e-zine, The Prosperous Writer, and hosts The Northwest Author Series. She holds an MFA in writing from Columbia College Chicago and a BA from Dartmouth College. A “gentle taskmaster” to her hundred or so students each year, Katz channels over a decade of professional writing experience into success strategies that help writers get on track and get published. Learn more at ChristinaKatz.com.

Talking Voice

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What is “voice”?

There are differences of opinion on this, but generally speaking a writer’s voice is that combination of style, technique, tone and subject matter that immediately identifies a piece of writing as part of a specific author’s canon of work. As a rule of thumb, if you can imagine a contest in which entrants would attempt to emulate the style of a given author (e.g., Hemingway, Poe, Shakespeare, etc.), then the author in question has a very distinctive voice.

There are those who believe voice is an inborn talent that waits to be discovered, and then there are those who believe voice can be taught. Both camps tend to agree that regardless of where voice originates, it must be cultivated in order to reach its full potential.

Many writers think of voice as something that doesn’t apply to nonfiction, but this isn’t true. Such nonfiction authors as Stephen R. Covey, Seth Godin and Chris Anderson have very distinctive voices; reading their books, one gets a sense of each author’s unique communication style.

While some authors are celebrated primarily on the basis of their unique voices (e.g., Kurt Vonnegut, William Blake, Poe, etc.), there are many, many more who’ve captured a loyal following with compelling subject matter presented in a relatively generic style. Furthermore, it’s possible to have a very distinctive voice and not attract a following.

So don’t let the matter of voice stall your writing, and don’t make the cultivation of voice your primary objective. A writer who imagines his work too run-of-the-mill attempting to consciously cultivate a distinctive voice is like a party guest who imagines his stories too boring consciously trying to make them more interesting. The effort invariably shows, and tends to result in affectation: an unnatural slant to your phrasing, and word/technique choices that draw attention to themselves—thereby pulling readers out of your book. And there’s no point in waiting to write until you’re convinced your voice has emerged, because it’s only through repeated use and exercise that a writer’s voice is discovered and developed.

Many aspiring authors equate a strong writer’s voice with quality writing and therefore assume that if they haven’t developed a strong voice, their work won’t be any good. There’s a big difference between great writing in the mechanical sense (e.g., proper sentence construction, good grammar and spelling, effective plotting, natural-sounding dialogue, etc.) and great writing in the artistic sense (e.g., work that makes the reader think or feel, or both), but there’s little doubt writers must master the former before they can aspire to the latter.

The bottom line on voice is this: the lack of a distinctive writer’s voice may prevent you from winning the Nobel prize in Literature, but it will not prevent you from having a fulfilling career in authorship. There’s more than one way to reach a readership, and we’re not all destined to be the next Burroughs or Hemingway. Therefore, the matter of voice isn’t worth worrying about.

Focus on honing your skills and let your voice emerge when, and if, it will.


[This is a cross-posting from my Indie Author Blog, and is excerpted from a lesson I wrote for Vault University, with a little extra commentary added.]
 

Bundle Up, It's Harsh Out There

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[Editor’s Note: after the jump, this post contains strong language].

It’s f***ing freezing here. I was walking up First Avenue wondering how the hell people could be outdoors with no hat or scarf on. There were plenty of people looking perfectly stunning without the bundling that I am so comforted in. And then I arrived at my building and there are a half dozen fools huddled like zombies with no f***ing jackets on, smoking, no jackets. Ew.

So it got me thinking about going out unprepared for–well, anything. How could anyone step outdoors without preparing for the weather or traffic, making dinner reservations, bringing your Duane Reade coupon card, and the list goes on. (Sorry to non-New Yorkers, but these are essentials here.) And then I realized that MOST people launch into things unprepared, not just going outdoors or to a restaurant without reservations, but bigger things, like writing a book or launching a website.

I trained as a boxer, and I am also neurotic. So I have a leg up on the preparing-for-the-worst thing. But others–those of you who are, sadly, optimists–you might not have prepared to get punched in the mouth. While those punches may not always come, you still need to be prepared. And without preparing, you can’t possibly have enough wherewithal to take the offense with your work.

So that’s what my message is here today. I’ve seen so many aspiring authors launch into writing without the business plan to support their objectives. Or, worse, no objectives. They launch a blog with "ramblings," "random thoughts," "musings," and other shit. Here’s your first punch in the mouth: NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR YOUR FUCKING RAMBLINGS, asshole. Don’t speak up unless you have something to say of value–our googles are clogged up with half-assed blogs and websites regurgitating blather and spewage of verbal sewage. If you’re a writer, you most likely have more meaningful messages or short fiction–write it and you’ll earn readers.

This complicates things for the ever-increasing catalog of content swimming around our internets. It’s an inordinate challenge to find what we’re looking for now because of a general lack of organization; and because the current technology platforms for showcasing talent really only allow for the loudest voices to be heard, not necessarily the most appropriate, deserving, or talented ones.

Boo hoo, you say, the hard-working artist is ever the underdog. Well, buck up cowboy.
 

  • Readers need to speak up and help define how content must be organized. Readers need to get smart really fast and figure out how to grade the shit writing out there and let the good stuff emerge more visibly. No more mainstream book reviews, because they eliminate the independently released features altogether, so you have to find another way to trust recommendations. That’s what social media is for, right?
     
  • And writers aren’t off the hook. Look, agents and publishers aren’t superheroes. You can figure out what’s shit and shouldn’t be marketed. It’s like all of a sudden once someone becomes a writer they lose all sense of how their work compares to everything else out there. Come on, don’t tell me you can’t step back and get a perspective on your work and be a little more critical?
     
  • And as for the technology? We have to do better. "They" will only know what we need and want if we tell "them." Customer support and letter writing can have a profound effect on new products. SOMETHING has to be done about the haphazard bullshitty way platforms like Authonomy are headed. Goodreads has a better handle on it, but there still it’s clunky. We’re grownups, we don’t fucking need "friending," "following," and "fans," for chrissake. There’s got to be a better way.

(And yes, I’ll put some serious thought to it and make some proposals, myself, so I’m not just sitting here throwing bags of shit from behind a tree.) 

Writers all need to put their business plan in writing, realizing that writing a book that they want people to read is equivalent to launching a business. How many books do you want to sell? Print? Independent publisher or publish it yourself? Format it yourself for both electronic and print? That’s really hard but good luck. Where will you print it? What’s your wholesale discount? Who will sell it? Non-bookstore venues–and if so, which ones: schools, business premiums, cafes, others?

Learning as you go isn’t that hard. I’m doing it now. But knowing that preparation for the next step is what will keep you above water is vital to the survival of your own esteem; since knowing that few friends and family will purchase your book, you are most likely relying on total strangers to give you a pat on the back and $10 for your book.

This is a cross-posting from Jenn Topper‘s Don’t Publish Me! blog.

5 Lies Writers Believe About Editors

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This post, from Jeremiah Tolbert, originally appeared on his site on 5/7/07.

At least in the science fiction community, there’s a lot of false community wisdom floating around about the editorial process. Some of them may have been true once.  Some were probably invented to mess with the heads of noobs. Some of them are carefully nurtured lies, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Well, no longer.  I’m here to tell you the truth, no matter how ugly it may be.

LIE #1:   Editors give every story fair consideration. OR:  Editors reject stories without reading them at all.

The truth is, the slush is deep, and it’s rarely an editor’s favorite part of the job. Why do you think so many places have slush readers?

Every story doesn’t get fair consideration. Not every story deserves it. If you can’t be bothered to read the submission guidelines and follow them, it’s an easy rejection. If you have five grammar and spelling mistakes in the first two paragraphs, it’s an easy rejection. If it’s a story about vampires, and I hate vampire stories, it’s mostly an easy rejection.

Most stories get at least a page out of me. Then I skip to the last 3 paragraphs, if I’m feeling generous. Some get less. Some work is so obviously bad that it’s startlingly easy to know it’s not going to work.  But every story gets looked at. Nothing ever gets rejected without being partially read. Honest.

LIE #2:  Editors never reject a good story.

I rejected plenty of really good stories at the Fortean Bureau. I’ve even rejected a couple at Escape Pod.  The reason is pretty simple: editorial vision or scope. The Fortean Bureau was looking for a particular kind of story.  Your space opera, no matter how good, was never going to appear there. Likewise, we don’t accept horror or fantasy at Escape Pod. If the story is good, and sucks me in, I will recommend sending it over to the other editors.

Stories get rejected for being too long, too short, too similiar to another story the editor has already bought… there are as many reasons for rejection as there are stories. And not all of them involve you making mistakes. There are aspects of the process that a writer cannot control. Best to just relax about it.

LIE #3:  Editors don’t foster new writers like they did in the old days, and don’t care about new talent.

John W. Campbell was a meddlesome bastard who sent his writers specific ideas for stories. He was not what you call a “hands off” kind of editor. He wrote his fair share of stories, and some of the tales I’ve heard about him make me think that he was often thinking as a writer as much as he was an editor. He wasn’t afraid to rewrite someone else’s story.

For whatever bizzare reason, some people wish editors would take that level of interest in their work, and  they lament that editors no longer foster new writers, giving them the kind of constructive criticism that leads to their personal growth. Everything for writers was just wonderful back then but these editors today are jerks!

Not true.  Campbell may have had time to do this with a larger percentage of his submissions, but the field was smaller then. Today, there are tens of thousands of writers all trying to break in to the same publications.  We simply don’t have time to give personal feedback to each submission. These days, sometimes the best you get is an encouraging rejection. My first came from Stanley Schmidt: “I like your writing, so I hope you will send more in the future.” Not very specific, but it does the trick. It tells you that you’re on the right track.

As much as I give Gordon van Gelder a hard time for his opposition to online media, the man writes a very succinct and helpful rejection letter. Even the form letters have a system to them to help you figure out why the story was rejected.  I always simultaneously feared and looked forward to his short notes.

Editors do build a stable of writers. The reason most people don’t see it is because by the time you come along, the editor has already established a group of authors he or she can count on. But short story writers in particular are always going on to write novels, so openings do occur from time to time.

If you really want feedback on your work, join a workshop or critique circle. It’s not the editor’s job to help you become a better writer. Sometimes, we’re helpful, but we can’t do it for everyone.

 

Read the rest of the post, which includes Lies #4 and #5, plus one Truth, on Jeremiah Tolbert’s website.

Ten Words You Need To Stop Misspelling

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There are a few words that are commonly misspelled or simply used incorrectly. I’m quickly becoming a fan of The Oatmeal comics and today they’ve got a good list of ten commonly misspelled words, along with that special brand of Oatmeal drawing and comedy. The words they cover are:

Lose/Loose

Weird not Wierd

Their/They’re/There

Your/You’re

It’s/Its

Definitely

Effect/Affect

Weather/Whether

A lot not alot*

Then/Than

Find the comic and explanations here.

* Also in this category there should be a discussion of any+, such as anywhere or any more. Or Anymore and any where. There’s no clear line here and some people connect any word with "any" in it and some are selective. Personally, I’m selective. Your thoughts?

My Self-Publishing Saga Continues

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My 3rd book, Surviving Hostage Situations, was turned down by 35 publishers. Those who were kind enough to explain why had a common theme: No one likes to think about the bad things that can happen to them. They were correct, but as an intelligence professional who lived for contingencies, I really didn’t understand that attitude. So, that experience plus the bad publisher experiences convinced me to self-publish.

This was fortunately the same time I acquired a Mac clone made from a Mac mother board and a PC case. I also acquired Page Maker software and entered the dizzy world of book design. I eventually sold 5,000 of these in English and 2,000 in German through a German publisher of a military magazine in Düsseldorf, Germany.

I also acquired rights to a Army Promotion Board study guide written by an Army education specialist. That became my cash cow. The first order for that little manual came from the European Stars and Stripes bookstore system in Germany. Their initial order was for 5,000 copies. The catch was it would be 6 months before they would pay. I had just paid out of my own pocket for 1,000 copies each of the hostage book and the study guide. I was tapped out of cash and credit.

I went to our bank across the street seeking a $15,000 line of credit to print more books based on the study guide order. After they finished chuckling, they said they’d be happy to set one up if I 2nd mortgaged my bookstore building. I didn’t really have a choice, so I did it. That study guide eventually sold 25,000 copies and funded the printing of several other books.

I took on one other book by an author other than myself–an exercise book by a Marine officer who combined traditional physical exercises with visualization exercises. It was a flop. Traditional exercise adherents thought it was too airy fairy. New Age readers thought it was too traditional.

The next book was Close Quarters Combat for Police and Security Forces. It was the non-lethal version of Survival on the Battlefield. It sold about 3,000 copies, but was never as popular as the military manual.

In 1992, after double knee operations, I had recuperation time on my hands. I wrote and typeset 126 pages of my next book, Military Knife Fighting. A month later, my Korean son, Patrick, and I went into the photographer’s studio with my 14-year-old daughter, Desiree, who was my script girl. She read each technique’s captions, and Pat and I went from pose to pose. We took over 350 pictures in an hour, completely blowing the photographer’s mind. That book became another cash cow.

In the BEA held in Miami, I obtained a table at the Military Book Show held in conjunction. Doubleday’s Military Book Club editor, Moshe Feder, looked over my books and signed me up for Survival on the Battlefield and Military Knife Fighting. They both became best sellers for the book club, selling over 25,000 copies. I didn’t make as much money per book; however, they used my printer and allowed me to order copies on the same print run. Instead of paying for books at the 1,000-2,000 copy price range, I could piggyback along with Doubleday’s 5,000 book printing, getting the 6,000-7,000 per book price, which was much cheaper. Economy of scale is a great thing.

Marketing became my primary focus. I met and made friends with the editors of men’s magazines such as SWAT, Soldier of Fortune, American Survival Guide, and Fighting Knives Magazine. They began giving me very positive reviews in their magazines. I in turn paid for display ads and classified ads, building up my direct marketing business. I began writing anti-New World Order books and became a popular interviewee on talk radio–so much so, that I was offered my own radio show–a 5 day a week hour-long show called the preparedness hour. With that ready-made marketing venue, I put together a 200-book mail order catalog operation and performed all operations myself, invoicing, picking, packing, wrapping, mailing, and inventory management. I was also traveling all over the US giving workshops and selling books at survivalist and book trade shows.

By 1997, I was completely burned out after 8 years of 12-18 hour days. I gave all 8,000 of my catalog customers a month’s warning and pulled the plug. This had been a 1-man endeavor and I couldn’t do it any longer. I never had time for writing. It had all become a full-time job of marketing.

After a 2-year hiatus of college to gain music teacher certification in the State of Kansas and 2 more years of teaching all subjects at our Juvenile Detention Center, I pulled the plug on that and began Heartland Reviews on line. I saw so many books submitted that weren’t ready for publication, that I began offering editing and designing services as a book packager.

Today I am focusing on writing fiction and helping self-publishers and small presses. At age 64, I am slowing down a little, but helping people has always been foremost in my mind. Thus ends how I fell into the wacky world of self-publishing.

This is a cross-posting from Bob Spear’s Book Trends Blog.

Lowered Expectations, Or the Dregs of Stupid

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[Publetariat Editor’s note: this post contains strong language.]

Does lowering our expectations mean that we’re settling?

Is settling a bad thing? Or does it reflect our maturity and experience in weighing what’s best to meet our long- and short-term objectives?

This is all about writing, of course. You can take any inferences of relationships to another blog and cry your little eyes out there.

Months ago when I made the decision to go full-throttle with the writing, I thought that I was publishing my writing with renewed optimism, lofty goals, and shoot-for-the-sky objectives. Then I re-read 29 Jobs and a Million Lies as I was revising it and adding dialogue, and I realized what a totally different mindset I was operating with years ago when those tales occurred. If I had launched into writing back then, I’m not sure I would be making the same decisions I am now. For those of you who have read 29 Jobs, you know that I head straight into things balls-out, changing directions like a Dominican cab driver in the wrong lane on the BQE.

My expectation was that I would find–watch out now, brace yourselves–an agent.

I tried to find an agent. I did. Dan and Marc both know I tried hard. Even Miss Pitch. And then I stepped back, took a look at my 3 dozen or so rejections after only one request for a manuscript (by William Morris, I might add!) and thought, fuck, there’s got to be a better way. Why the fuck am I wasting my time?

And here I am, writing an unending series of flash fiction at Year Zero, meeting amazing people as I whore myself all over twitter, completed first novel and holding out til the spring to release it, and publishing 29 Jobs on my own with a lot of help from kind souls who built the website and pulling me through the muck of formatting.

Now that’s optimism: I changed directions rather than settling for what one could construe as less. Less than a contract? Nah, just different route to garnering readers. And that’s what a writer does, attract readers. Whether you earn $ doing that is another story altogether. I never knew before I submerged myself in learning about the publishing industry that the monster pub companies could let authors go back to day jobs. It seemed totally incongruent to me. It changed how I thought altogether and learned quickly that (a) writing a book isn’t that hard [let’s not talk about originality or quality of writing at this point] and (b) that’s why so many people do it. The market is flooded with books and authors.

Would books be better if authors all could quit their fucking horrible day jobs? Think about the hypothetical: we’re in a Platonic society where writers are subsidized so we get to spend all day thinking and telling stories and writing. Where is the barrier to entry? What’s to keep the dregs of stupid from declaring themselves a writer? (Who’s to say I’m not the dregs of stupid?)

Now, I ask myself again, have I lowered expectations? Or have I reoriented my expectations using the information about publishing and my own appetite for the masochistic formulas, restrictions, and limitations of the mainstream print publishing industry?

I know my answer, and I’m pleased with my decision. Fuck them, ups to DIY, is the response you expect me to blurt out. Sure, on first glance that’s where I am. But I do continue to dream larger, so that 20-something who made an ass of herself in 29 Jobs is still in here somewhere, despite having that same ass kicked all over the place, getting beat down but having tried everything. No Regrets. NO MOTHERFUCKING REGRETS.

…however: I Want More. (readers?)

word.

Have you lowered your expectations? Do you know what you want?

How To Write The Best Critique Ever

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If you’ve ever belonged to a workshopping writers’ community and have made your work available for critique, you’re probably all too familiar with a certain type of singularly insulting and useless feedback. And you’ve probably wondered why the authors of condescending and mean-spirited critiques are so…well, condescending and mean-spirited.

At last, I’ve found the answer in the following little-known and closely-guarded set of instructions to which only the most self-important reviewers are made privy. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of one of these more-writerly-than-thou types, I’m sure you’ll recognize some or all of the instructions given.

As one of the more accomplished members of any of a number of writer community sites, you are no doubt aware that there are a bunch of barely literate boobs who post their so-called “manuscripts” online in hopes that worthy experts such as yourself will see fit to magnanimously drop a few pearls of wisdom on them, thereby helping them to elevate their work from absolute tripe to mere garbage. While it may seem a terrible waste of your precious time and rare gifts to offer these bumbling idiots your wise and insightful critiques, you must do it because keeping your peerless views to yourself is virtually a crime against humanity. Think of it as charity work.

The rank amateurs who seek your advice are like little children who don’t know when they’ve done wrong, and must turn to an authority figure such as yourself for a firm hand and guidance. Don’t make the mistake of addressing them as equals to yourself, thinking perhaps that as impossible as it may be for them to actually be your equal, adopting a friendly or informal tone will put them at ease. You don’t want them at ease, you want them at full attention, respectful of your status as their superior and perhaps even a little fearful of you.

With respect to the content of the review itself, disregard whatever you’ve read in the sample reviews provided by the site to which you wish to post. As we savvy experts know, such samples are only there to deflect litigation. These sample reviews would have you mention the bright spots in each manuscript, and perish the thought, even compliment the author wherever possible. Remember, dear reader, that regardless of what the writer wants, what he really needs is to be told, in painstaking and tortuous detail, what you think is wrong with his work. And note particularly that I’ve said ‘what you think’; forget about Lajos Egri, Joseph Campbell and other supposed “experts” in the field, the only thing that matters here is your opinion. While such artsy-fartsy, lit hippie types may encourage writers to cultivate a unique "writer’s voice", you know there are rules for a reason and rules must be followed.

When reading through a sample, pay no attention to such trifles as tone, plot or characterization. You’re on a search-and-destroy mission to identify each instance of rule-breaking and mock it mercilessly. As you undoubtedly know, adverbs and flashbacks have no place in a professional-grade manuscript, nor do shifts in point of view (however purposeful), nonlinear time, or vampires, among countless other things. Don’t hesitate to berate the author thoroughly for his inclusion or use of such hallmarks of the novice.

Choose your words carefully. Don’t gently prod the author with a tactful note indicating that something in his manuscript does not meet industry standards or for that matter, your own, better standards; limit yourself to saying that his work “screams amateur”, or accuse him of failure to do his “homework”—this is a particularly good choice of words since it reminds the author that his proper place with respect to you is like that of a child with respect to an adult. Use the most inflammatory and provocative language possible in your reviews. Don’t say that action passages are ‘unclear’, say they’re ‘inept’. Don’t say that dialog ‘doesn’t sound natural’, say it’s ‘laughable’, ‘backward’, or even better, ‘lame’. If there’s one thing these would-be novelists must learn and learn quickly, it’s that Trade Publishing is a cruel and faceless mistress; it is your solemn duty, dear reader, to acquaint your charges with feelings of rejection, self-doubt and despair. As the song goes, you must be cruel to be kind, so try to make your reviews as pointed and hurtful as possible.

There is some disagreement among those in the know where using specific references to a given work sample in a critique is concerned. There are those on the one side who favor this approach, arguing that it provides much more opportunity to insult the writer while adding a personal touch. Then there are those others who prefer vagueness, arguing that the best way to keep the writer guessing is not to give him anything at all to go on. I leave the decision on this point to you, dear reader, but strongly admonish you that if you choose to cite references from the writer’s work, you nevertheless limit your remarks about that citation. For example, consider this excerpt:

“The car chase sequence on page 52 is about as exciting as watching my kid race his Hot Wheels. If you knew anything about writing action you’d know that you need to add more tension here. If you weren’t so clueless, you might have included more innocent bystanders, or maybe had the protagonist’s driver get injured so that the protagonist has to take the wheel of the limo. Try not to be such an idiot in your rewrite.”

At first blush, this excerpt seems like a fine example of the reviewer’s art. The reviewer uses appropriately harsh language and peppers his remarks with insults, but he also makes the unfortunate mistake of giving the writer an idea of how to fix the problem in question. How can we expect them to learn if we spoon-feed them the answers? Resist the temptation to share any suggestions for improvement, even knowing as you must that you are capable of wrenching any manuscript, no matter how awful, into a masterpiece.

Finally, don’t forget to share something about yourself in the review. Informing the writer that your enviable level of expertise and wisdom comes as a direct result of having placed third in the Busted Truck, Nevada Novel Derby is not bragging, it’s merely stating a fact of which the writer should be aware. Don’t let your ignorance about the writer deter you from asserting that you are undoubtedly better informed and more experienced than he. After all, by asking for your critique he’s already said as much himself, hasn’t he?

And don’t worry that being as yet unagented and unsold somehow detracts from your position of authority. As all of us on this preternatural wavelength of talent know, the small minds of ‘the industry’ are simply not ready for our caliber of work. Their shallow wants and self-serving agendas allow no room for a true visionary, and maybe if they’d answer a query or return a call once in a while they would have a chance at breaking the first real talent they’ve seen in their miserable little lives!

But, I digress.

In conclusion, too many reviewers mistake the workshopping process as a democratic support community when it is, in fact, a theocracy intended to provide a platform for we, the truly gifted few, to cut down the endless rows of talent-free hacks like so many stalks of wheat before the scythe, thereby discouraging any further progress by these also-rans who fancy themselves writers. Do not neglect your duty, and you are sure to be among the Top Five reviewers on any sites you frequent within a month.

(In case anyone reading hasn’t yet picked up on it, this is satire. If critiquers would do the exact opposite of the instructions given here, I think aspiring authors everywhere could share their work a little more freely, and breathe a little easier)

This is a cross-posting from April L. Hamilton’s Indie Author Blog.